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Grieving and Mourning are different for everyone. One person may feel great anger while another person may feel nothing at all. All of your emotions are o.k., it is just what you are feeling. Feelings are neither right or wrong. It's important not to judge yourself on how you are feeling.
Common Feelings:
Shock
Even when you know death is imminent, we are never 100% ready for the finality. Losing a loved one can cause a "mental trauma" to your brain.
Disbelief
This is the brain's way to safely deal with mental trauma. Disbelief keeps you from feeling the entirety of losing a loved one all at once, which could have devastating results.
Disorganization
Loss, shock and the pain of loss can be "blows to your mind". Disorganization is a common side-effect.
Overwhelmed
When you lose a loved one your life can seem upside down. It's easy to quickly feel overwhelmed. You have so much to think about: your life; the changes; security; funeral arrangements; your children; etc.
Acceptance / Healing
The healing journey you embark on after a loss is uniquely yours. Everyone heals at a different rate.
Healing Your Grief
The term healing, in a sense, is a misleading word. We often think of healing as in physical health terms. Healing oftentimes means "getting better" or "back to the way I was". Healing in terms of grieving and mourning means dealing with loss issues and moving forward. A healing journey can oftentimes empower you to do more with your life. Confronting and dealing with the most difficult of all issues can strengthen you and help you to understand and increase your capabilites.
Common Misconceptions About Grief:
Grief and mourning are the same experience ... they are not.
Grief is what our mind thinks and feels about the death. Mourning is taking those thoughts and feelings and then verbalizing them to others.
It is healthy to move away from grief and mourning instead of toward it ... Not at all true.
We need to first get in touch with our feelings before we can work through them.
Many people do not give themselves permission to grieve and tell their own story. Our fast-paced society expects us to get on with our lives much faster than we are ready to. Society sees greif and mourning as something that needs to be overcome rather than something that must be experienced. Unfortunately that oftentimes encourages people to grieve alone or try to run away from their grief.
The problem is that attempting to mask or move away from grief results in internal anxiety and confusion. With little, if any, social recognition of the normal pain of grief, people begin to think their thoughts and feelings are abnormal.
People who continue to express their grief outwardly - to mourn - are often viewed as 'weak', 'crazy', or 'self-pitying'. The common message is 'shape up and get on with your life'. Refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and 'being strong' are thought to be admirable behaviors. Many people in grief have internalized society's message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly and efficiently." This is indeed unfortunate.
Showing little visual emotion means the person is doing well ... This is not true.
I believe a misconception was placed in our country's psyche when John F. Kennedy was assassinated. The photograph of Jackie Kennedy standing stoically at JFK's funeral was praised for strengthening our nation.
I am not discounting Jackie's strength or her value to the country, but I believe that praise wrongly validated a misconception about the grieving process.
People often think that it is good to not show emotion in order to help other mourners or the family of the deceased. The often used terms, 'Be Strong', 'Stiff Upper Lip', etc. are not good messages for grievers.
To make the best plans possible, you should understand the process. In this way, your plans will succeed in helping your family.
The simpler and faster we make our grieving, the better off we'll be.
No, just the opposite is more true.
Why do people think that simpler and faster is better.
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When we're overwhelmed this seems like a good way to get back to normal. |
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Simpler and faster sounds good for someone who is in denial. |
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When you are emotionally hurt it seems natural to wish the world would go away. |
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It's not unnatural to want to avoid going through pain or seeing others struggle. |
The loving well meaning thought in this protective mode is to keep it simple. Do less and less and somehow this easy route will make the pain of loss easier and promote faster healing.
The problem with this well intentioned method of dealing with loss is:
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Healing is promoted by dealing with loss, not avoidance. |
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The less time and effort involved, the less ability we have to process our loss. |
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We heal by verbalizing our thoughts and feelings. Less is not more. Less is limiting. |
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You cannot save someone from the pain of loss. |
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______________ can't handle this, yes, they can, and in fact, as friends, we need to find ways to help them. |
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There is an old adage that prove's so true, 'the more you do, the more you can do.' |
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By validating the simpler and faster theory, we in a way approve everything we say we are loosing in our fast paced society. |
I am still talking to him. Am I going crazy?
No. You cannot expect yourself, or your brain, to adjust to a change this dramatic immediately. There is nothing wrong with communicating with someone you love.
Angers:
Angers may not be justified, but are simply your feelings, which are normal in times of difficulty. Common examples of anger thoughts include:
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"This was to be our time, the kids are gone, we now can. I am so angry at him for dying." |
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"I am so angry, Mom was robbed of her retirement." |
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"I hate God, my wonderful wife did not deserve this terrible illness and to die. What a terrible God, would have such a plan." |
Does God really have a plan, or just know the future? Do we tempt the fates when we abuse our bodies? Is it God's part to be by our side for strength if we will turn to him? Is life fair? Philosophers have written volumes on this subject.
Misdirected Angers:
We know the answers to many of our angers. It's not God's fault, but we are angry at death and loss. With very intense emotions we can easily have what are called misdirected angers.
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"I am so angry at the social security system. Dad died two weeks after he retired, so he never received even one lousy social security check. Just think of all he paid." |
We may not be able to stop misdirected angers, but we need to understand that this is just a part of the grieving process.
Guilts:
You could find yourself feeling guilty for a number of reasons. It is common for a bereaved person to feel guilty simply for being alive when someone else has died. You may believe you somehow should have prevented the death, or should have been present to say goodbye if you weren't. You may dwell on an argument you had with the deceased. Human relationships always contain some ambivalence. For example, no matter how wonderful we may have been to our mother, we'll remember the one time we didn't go out and get the mail for her.
As the reality of a death sinks in, it is common for the bereaved to slip into depression. Even if you are normally a committed, caring person, you could find that you don't care about anything or anyone.
You may also feel helpless and childlike. Professionals point out that when you lose someone close, you also experience "secondary losses" that accrue because of the death. A woman who is widowed, for example, didn't just lose her husband. She lost a friend, a confidant, someone to take vacations with, someone to help take care of the kids, etc. These secondary losses can leave you feeling confused and panicky. For this reason, you should avoid making any major decisions. Try to postpone them until you can think more clearly and have a better idea of how your life is going to change.
Preoccupations:
Another common reaction among grievers is preoccupation with the person who died. You may think about him or her constantly, recreate the circumstances of the death over and over in your mind, have dreams or nightmares about the person - you may even think you see or hear the deceased. Many people are surprised and frightened by the intensity of these reactions. Grief feels like craziness to the person whose undergoing it, but it's important to realize that these reactions are normal.
Death seems to bring to many the "should have, could have, would haves", often blaiming ourselves for almost unforeseen circumstances. Second guessing everything we did is very common in the loss process.
If only I would have. Most often it's just over reaction to death and, in human terms, trying to sort out what went wrong, so we can understand the situation. We want answers, reasons and logic to enable us to deal with our loss.
Reassessments:
Evaluations such as "where am I going with my life?" are very normal. Guilts of all kinds resurrect themselves.
Searching:
Searching for answers is quite common. How did he die? When did he die? How did he do it? Why did he do it?
Acceptance:
The ultimate end is acceptance. I guess it just doesn't matter anyway . . . It really couldn't have changed the outcome. . . I am glad to know it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.
Remember, your mind may logically know the answers, but healing is your heart being in the same place as your mind, and this is a journey.
Forgiveness:
Ultimately, you may have good reason for your feelings and be at some fault, usually not, but either way you need to forgive and move on. This may mean forgiving yourself and/or others.
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