An authentic funeral helps meet the reconciliation needs of mourning. Click on the topic below to jump to a specific topic or scroll down the page to learn more. Acknowledging the reality of the death Moving toward the pain of loss Remembering the person who died Developing a new self-identity Searching for meaning Receiving ongoing support from others Why view a body after death? Multi-day funeral vs. single day funeral   From Grief to Healing Why a Funeral? Helping the Griever Literature Acknowledging the reality of the death When someone we loved dies, we must openly acknowledge the reality and the finality of the death if we are to move forward with our grief. Typically, we embrace this reality in two phases. First, we acknowledge the death with our minds; we are told that someone we loved has died, and, intellectually at least, we understand the fact of the death. Over the course of the following days and weeks, and with the gentle understanding of those around us, we begin to acknowledge the reality of the death in our hearts. Meaningful funeral ceremonies can serve as wonderful points of departure for "head understanding" of the death. Intellectually, funerals teach us that someone we loved is now dead, even though up until the funeral we may have denied this fact. When we contact the funeral home, set a time for the service, plan the ceremony, view the body, perhaps even choose clothing and jewelry for the body, we cannot avoid acknowledging that the person has died. Far from being morbid or carnivalesque, open casket services help us acknowledge the reality of the death. They invite us to confront our disbelief that someone we cared deeply about is gone and cannot return. Moving toward the pain of loss Healthy grief occurs when we express our painful thoughts and feelings. Healthy funeral ceremonies allow us to do just that. People tend to cry, even sob, at funerals because funerals force us to concentrate on the fact of the death and our feelings about the death, which are often excruciatingly painful. For at least an hour or two (longer for mourners who plan the ceremony or attend the visitation), those attending the funeral are not able to intellectualize or distance themselves from the pain of their grief. To their credit, funerals also provide us with an accepted venue for our painful feelings. They are perhaps the only time and place during which we as a society condone such openly outward expression of our sadness. Remembering the person who died To heal in grief, we must shift our relationship with the person who died from of physical presence to one of memory. The authentic funeral encourages us to begin this shift; for it provides a natural time and place for us to think about the moments we shared, good and bad, with the person who died. Like no other time before or after the death, the funeral invites us to focus on our past relationship with that one, single person and to share those memories with others. Developing a new self-identity Another primary reconciliation need of mourning is the development of a new self-identity. We are all social beings whose lives are given meaning in relation to the lives of those around us. I am not just me, but also a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a friend. When someone close to me dies, my self-identity as defined in those ways changes. The funeral helps us begin this difficult process of developing a new self-identity because it provides a social venue for public acknowledgment of our new roles. Searching for meaning When someone loved dies, we naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this person die? Why now? Why this Way? Why does it have to hurt so much? In fact, we must first ask these "why" questions to decide why we should go on living before we can ask ourselves how we will go on living. This does not mean we must find definitive answers, only that we need the opportunity to think (and feel) things through. The funeral provides us with such an opportunity. For those who adhere to a specific religious faith, the meaningful funeral will reinforce that faith and provide comfort. Alternatively, it may prompt us to question our faith, which too can be an enriching process. Whether you agree or disagree with the belief system upheld by a particular funeral service may not matter. What may matter more is that you have held your heart to that belief system and struggled with the gap. Funerals are a way in which we as individuals and as a community convey our beliefs and values about life and death. The very fact of a funeral demonstrates that death is important to us. For the living to go on living as fully and as healthily as possible, this is as it should be. Receiving ongoing support from others As we have said, funerals are a public means of expressing our beliefs and feelings about the death of a loved one. In fact, funerals are the public venue for offering support to others and being supported in grief, both at the time of the funeral, and into the future. Funerals make a social statement that says, "Come support me." Whether they realize it or not, those who choose not to have a funeral are saying, "Don't come support me." Funerals also let us physically demonstrate our support. Sadly our society is not demonstrative, but at funerals we are "allowed" to embrace, to touch, to comfort. Again, words are inadequate so we nonverbally demonstrate our support. This physical show of support is one of the most important healing aspects of meaningful funeral ceremonies. Another one is the helping relationships that are established at funerals. Friends often seek out ways in which they can help the primary mourners; ie. May I send flowers, etc. The above is an excerpt from the nationally recognized author Alan Wolfelt PhD, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Why view a body after death? This is still the most powerful way to elicit verbalization and the needed releases of our thoughts and feelings. This is a basis for the healing journey. It allows us to talk to that person. We experience connectivity in our transition of life to death. We can say our goodbyes The realization of death shortens the denial phase Seeing a person looking good after death gives us an assurance that they are at peace. At death we need a good bye, a catharsis, a closure. In life, often there are things we wanted to say and haven't, or things we could repeat time and again like, "I love you ... Thank you ... I'm sorry." Whatever it is, it is best dealt with by verbalizing (saying it), in effect to "Get it off our chest". It is unhealthy to hold emotions and conflicts inside ourselves. Viewing is the way we are reconnected with our loved ones. What is the value of a 2 or 3 day funeral? The more time and effort we take to accomplish a goal, the better and quicker we will achieve it. Speed in today's world is everything, from the service of McDonalds, to faster computers, to speedier internet access. Society comes to believe that speedier is better. Yet death and grieving effects are unchanging. The speedy mode in which we subscribe in many venues fails the logic. "Lets get it over with fast" is another way of saying, "I am in pain and somehow if I do this funeral fast, I will put my grieving issues behind me." Speed does not take away loss. In fact, it offers fewer ways to deal with the loss and gain support. Wake / Visitation / Viewing - only structured time set aside to meet relatives and friends to gain collective support - to hear stories of how your loved one helped others - what you loved one meant to others and the influence they hand on their lives - the above will be continued support system through our mourning and grieving phase (forever cherished) - special time for tears and laughter, sharing stories, etc. - atmosphere and emotions are lighter the night before. The finality mode is less in our consciousness and more a phase of stories, sharing and caring through communication and presence of those who don't know what to say, but they are there to show love and support - time to reconnect with family and friends - time for cousins from different parts of the country to see each other not in a rushed atmosphere - the more time grievors have to verbalize their emotions, tell their stories, the more they heal. - If we combine two events - short visitation - we change the whole context Younger people are given the time to come together and sort out their feelings, and to talk. Because verbalizing and expression is seldom quick for them, the more time they have to sit and connect, the far better off they are. The more time we have to verbalize our emotions, especially angers, the more these emotions dissipate. The more time we take, the greater chance there is that some needed healing can take place. Time to say our goodbyes Our emotions are not a light switch on the wall. A simple flick of it cannot turn our emotions on or off. Oftentimes people need to say goodbye more than once. The more chances we have to say goodbye during this critical period of time, the more healing can take place in our healing journey. In today's world many members of a family come from various parts of the country and may not have been anticipating the loss and grief. It is important to acknowledge that everyone has their own needs and are on their own grief journeys. We aren't all the same. I have seen grandchildren stand at a casket and share remembrance for twenty minutes or more. I always feel society has perhaps been robbed by quick and ridged time frames in the funeral process. For example, a one hour wake with a service immediately following. Because in grief, we are especially unable to deal with things in defined time frames. People are often robbed of the time it takes to cope, when they are able to bring themselves to deal, or are ready to share their inner most feelings. Shortening the process has the exact opposite effect that we are trying to achieve. The next-day funeral The next day funeral ceremony is the beginning of a more defined reality of loss and goodbyes. It is a celebration and the beginning of a need catharsis. The cemetery is a final act of a goodbye in a sense. The social gathering afterwards is an emotional pick-me-up. It helps bring us back, and continues the stories only on a lighter note. If at the end someone says, "I am glad this is over," that is in a real sense a good statement ... "Yes, we made it through. We are starting to put things behind us. We have moved along in the process." Meaningful funerals - Confirm that someone we loved has died - Help us understand that death is final - Allow us to say goodbye - Serve as a private and public transition between our lives before the death to our lives after the death - Encourage us to embrace and express our pain - Help us remember the person who died and encourage us to share those memories with others - Offer a time and place for us to talk about the life and death of the deceased - Affirm the worth of our relationship with the person who died - Provide a social support system for us and other mourners - Help integrate mourners back into the community - Allow us to search for meaning in life and death - Reinforce the fact of death in all our lives - Establish ongoing helping relationships among mourners